A Praying Life

It's one of those nights I can't sleep for some reason.  Maybe it was those few sips of late night tea, maybe it's because I just spent a week with my mom while our power was restored/Alex was on a youth retreat, or maybe it's because God wanted me to finally process a few things without distractions.  I'm sure even if a combo of all three, they certainly resulted providentially in the latter.

So, if you want to stay tuned to hear my rambling, late night, processing mind, you are welcome to.  Otherwise, this is really for myself. 

First of all, our small group has been going through this book A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller.  I have been very excited about it from the get-go, and I'm not really sure why, but I know that our small group facilitator had it recommended to her by several friends.  It was one of those things where she kept asking for suggestions and people (who don't know one another) all came up with this book.  I also, since starting it have seen friends (not in my small group) have been reading it as well.  I know that isn't really relevant, but fun providential circumstances.  I think the book so far has been very real, as well as practical.  I would recommend it, and it has short chapters too, so for a dyslexic like me it makes me feel like I'm making progress.  Any of you out there with an LD maybe can relate! ;)

The first thing I think this book is doing is just reminding me to pray!  It's not that I have learned some foundational theological truth from this book, but it has certainly reminded me of things that I neglect on a daily basis.  I think since beginning it I have certainly seen myself just remembering to pray, and things that I really need God to do, it's reminding me to keep on praying.  I am certainly guilty of praying once and then trying to do it on my own.  Is that even really prayer? 

This book is not a parenting book, nor is it a book on how to pray for your kids.  But as I said it is very practical, and the author is a father.  So naturally many of his examples are of the ways in which he prays for his children.  There are two things that have really stricken - is that the correct verb tense strike, struck, have stricken? I don't know that that is one of the ones we recited in English class.  There are two things that have really stricken? me from the book - that still doesn't sound right, I was not a great English student, and I'll tell you that is one of the most intimidating things about this blog.  So please, excuse my grammar mistakes, and if you can't, blame it on the dyslexia, which isn't really responsible for misplaced commas and prepositions at the end of sentences, and run-ons as this one is becoming, but don't we all love to have a good an excuse?

The first thing that I loved was the way Mr. Miller approaches prayer in parenting.  He talks about how he learned that no matter how "good" of a parent he tried to be, he still would fail miserably.  Ah, don't we all!  Then he talks about how he learned to take his children's behavior to the Father, instead of trying to "fix it."  He talks  about his daughter's struggle with Autism.  There were so many things in her life that he couldn't control, obsessions that she had that felt as if they ruled all of their lives, he finally realized, him telling her to stop wouldn't help.  So he prayed.  He gives specific examples of praying for many of his children, behaviors, character traits, etc, and it hit me, I don't do that enough. 

Sure I will reach the end of my rope, blow up and ask for forgiveness, and for my child, strength to overcome sin.  But do I take it to the Father before I even deal with it? Not usually, probably never, unless I am really angry, but then it is for a cool head, not for my child.  When Sterling complains or whines, do I pray that he has a grateful spirit?  No.  There are even times that I know it's coming, because it does everyday, like nap time, or sometimes supper.  Do I pray for his attitude even before I ask him to start getting ready for a nap? Never.  Why hasn't this been an obvious solution?  I have no idea.

The second thing I am learning from is his repetitive prayers for his children, and then seeing life as an answer to those prayers.  This is another big one for me, especially that last part.  The author has alluded to using prayer cards for his family in which he jots down some big things he wants to see God do in their lives. I have skimmed a little ahead in the book here, but these are cards that he says don't really change all that much.  This is something I have already been doing for my kids, although it's been a long time since it was  consistent, I should admit. 

I haven't even had time to process what to pray for Ann Elizabeth, and how what she is going through now will affect who God has me praying for her to become.  Maybe that will come tomorrow, as I struggle to stay awake. ;)  I've been processing how to pray for Sterling today though, and I have been really convicted that I haven't been seeing parenting him this way all along.  


Sterling,
I want you to know that Mommy is sinful too.  It is hard at this age to see your parents this way, but we are taking this parent thing a day at a time.  Mommy is learning that I can't "fix" you.  I know that in my head, I always have, but my heart is just now playing catch up.  No number or talks, or punishments, or rewards, or lectures, or anything else others may advise is going to make you into the person God wants you to be, only God can do that.  I am learning I have to step aside and ask him to parent you.  Isn't that the blessing given to covenant children anyway? 

I need to be reliant on our Father as well, not just wanting that for you.  They say all children are different, and every situation is different, too.  Buddy, that leaves a parent not knowing what to do.  Then there was this thing invented called the internet, and parents now have even more people in their ears telling them what is right.  Only God knows what is best for you in every specific situation.  So I need to step back and let the Holy Spirit take over.

We prayed over your name, and in the end you were named after Daddy.  But in that name was a prayer, my heart for who you will become, and who I think God is shaping you into.  I don't know in the end exactly what being a defender of your fellow man and of what is pure and holy will look like in your life, but I know that is what God has been whispering to my heart to pray for you since the beginning of your life.

Already, I can see your name coming to life in your personality.  You have such a sensitive heart and really want what is good and right, not just for yourself, but even for others.  This is one of my favorite qualities about you, standing up for what is right and having a heart that is sensitive to others feelings. 

I must admit as your mom even though I am praying this for you, I have failed to see how your areas of weakness or struggle stem from this prayer as well.  Instead of getting frustrated with you over these things, I need to be praying that God will be glorified in your weakness, and they will change you into this man that you are becoming.

Your sweet sensitive soul, can cause things like worry and fear to creep up.  I love the way that God has designed you, but, you can worry about the craziest things!  You take on burdens that many little boys take for granted, such as the safety of others, even your parents.  You are my little worry-wart, and I can certainly relate, as I can see that this has always been in me as well.  You worry about what others think and say about you, with this too, I struggle.  But what I think you and I and our first born hearts struggle with most, is control.  We must learn to let go of control, dear boy, God is a good Father, we must trust that goodness.  He proves himself again and again; we must remember.

Instead of letting your little four-year-old mirror of my own heart cause me to worry (see there it is) that you will always struggle with these same sins as your momma, I am learning I need to take these things to your Heavenly Father for council on how to deal with them, instead of trying to do it on my own.  It is God's job to deliver us from evil, it is my job, like Eli, to teach you to hear the Lord's voice, and like Naomi, to show you His provision. I can't drive these things out of myself, what makes me think I can drive them out of you?

I am learning to see your struggles as God's way of making you into the man you will become.  You feel words so deeply, but if you are to become this compassionate warrior for others, won't you have to feel the sting of hurtful words as well?  It will always hurt to see you wounded, but I am learning instead of feeling sorry for you, or doing the opposite and trying to toughen you up, I need to seek wisdom and be able to translate that to you. 

I am learning to pray for you little boy.  I'm learning to stop and pray, before I open my mouth.  I am trying to remember the overall goal, and that every smile and every tear is for your good. 

I am so priviliaged to be on this journey with you as,
Your Mom